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Literature Text
you toss me around
Ragdoll
Pinball
Hot Potato
until i'm dizzy-
I'm Not Your Toy.
i'm not your Boomerang
Dirty Australian
always returning
at high speed
then throw me again
I can't Stop myself
i'm not your Yo-Yo
silly little Boy
back and forth
simple Game
worn out string
ages old, going strong
i'm not your see-saw
now I see you
now I don't
push off
drop down
Repeat Process
Toy with me
Wear me out
Love me
Push me away
i'm Unwanted
Your favorite
Old news
Classic
i'm thread-bare
time to head to Wal-mart
aisle eight
Toy section
Barbies: $19.99
Yo-Yos: $.99
Ragdoll
Pinball
Hot Potato
until i'm dizzy-
I'm Not Your Toy.
i'm not your Boomerang
Dirty Australian
always returning
at high speed
then throw me again
I can't Stop myself
i'm not your Yo-Yo
silly little Boy
back and forth
simple Game
worn out string
ages old, going strong
i'm not your see-saw
now I see you
now I don't
push off
drop down
Repeat Process
Toy with me
Wear me out
Love me
Push me away
i'm Unwanted
Your favorite
Old news
Classic
i'm thread-bare
time to head to Wal-mart
aisle eight
Toy section
Barbies: $19.99
Yo-Yos: $.99
Suggested Collections
I just found this. I think I wrote it sometime last fall. It's not that good, but there's pieces I liked, so I'm submitting it for feedback.
Amy
EDIT: I took out most of the 2nd stanza and did a little re-wording. I also played around with word emphasis, but instead of using punctuation (which is normal for me), I just used capitalizations. I'm just "toying" with this. Pun intended.
Amy
EDIT: I took out most of the 2nd stanza and did a little re-wording. I also played around with word emphasis, but instead of using punctuation (which is normal for me), I just used capitalizations. I'm just "toying" with this. Pun intended.
© 2003 - 2024 Lady-Blue
Comments11
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I'll give this an LD because where it flows well it's quite catchy. I have no problems with development, diction or that stuff...just flow. I recall you making reference to writing in a musical form...
If this poem were a piano sonata, the tempo here's a presto...where I have problems with this poem are only where I sense a change in tempo.
Stanza 1 is great.
I don't like the isolated single sentence just after that:
I'm not your toy" and then the next stanza (although that single line could be deliberate to indicate "you"...I think that underlying concept slows down the flow).
I'm not your boomerang, etc., etc....
I think to match quick flow of the 1st stanza, I think something similar would keep that rapid pace which you began the first stanza with. Maybe something like this:
I'm not your toy
a boomerang
Dirty Australian
always returning
at high speed
then throw me again
I can't Stop myself
Stanza 3's nice but "going strong"(which I think would be better if separated into a new line)...ruins the rhythem.
for some reason, a word rhyming w/cold seems better here if possible.
Stanza 4's cool (fast flowing).
stanza 5's-cool (fast flowing).
stanza 6 needs rework...Walmart doesn't work but I sense you want it there for clarity...
Just brainstorming...these thoughts came to mind...
tones
If this poem were a piano sonata, the tempo here's a presto...where I have problems with this poem are only where I sense a change in tempo.
Stanza 1 is great.
I don't like the isolated single sentence just after that:
I'm not your toy" and then the next stanza (although that single line could be deliberate to indicate "you"...I think that underlying concept slows down the flow).
I'm not your boomerang, etc., etc....
I think to match quick flow of the 1st stanza, I think something similar would keep that rapid pace which you began the first stanza with. Maybe something like this:
I'm not your toy
a boomerang
Dirty Australian
always returning
at high speed
then throw me again
I can't Stop myself
Stanza 3's nice but "going strong"(which I think would be better if separated into a new line)...ruins the rhythem.
for some reason, a word rhyming w/cold seems better here if possible.
Stanza 4's cool (fast flowing).
stanza 5's-cool (fast flowing).
stanza 6 needs rework...Walmart doesn't work but I sense you want it there for clarity...
Just brainstorming...these thoughts came to mind...
tones